Radical Modern Magick, Mysticism & Metaphysics
It’s okay to start from where you are.
You must start somewhere.
Why not where you are?
If it’s just baby steps, that’s okay, too.
Life isn’t a race to be won.
It’s a discovery of self.
Self discovery never ends.
So, take that first step.
What better time and place than now?
The past three weeks have been a whirlwind of intense experiences, with a profound shift in perspective and an electrifying quantum leap. Everything had to be turned upside down, deconstructed, and looked upon from a wide-angle view.
It was painful to break free of the old rigid energy constructs and shed them, but I did it, and I have emerged from this transformative period feeling unexpectedly grounded, mature, and well-practiced.
What about that quantum leap? My whole reality changed in the blink of an eye. When I aligned with my unique abilities, untapped potential, deepest desires, and unwavering passions, those around me aligned with them, too!
Speaking of passions…
I am currently making bold moves on long-term projects, such as organizing monthly sound healing, guided meditation, and music/dance temple events, launching an integrated apparel brand, and providing personalized one-on-one energy coaching/consulting services.
The groundedness I feel at the core of my existence today is off the charts! I am devoted to living ambitiously, authentically, and with unbridled joy in my heart!
Happy 51st Birthday to me!
I’ve been deep in the shadows for a while now—not willingly, mind you.
I never came into shadow work of my own volition. I tried to avoid it for years upon years. But we seem to evolve no matter what, and to get to where I want to be, it was necessary to go there—to make the unconscious conscious.
At some points in the last couple of years, I felt I was definitely at my lowest, full of fears and insecurities I didn’t know I had.
I was also confronted with the shadow of my feelings of unworthiness via the reflections of those around me. I didn’t think I had these feelings or beliefs about myself. I knew I had some bumps and bruises holding me back, but never did I think it could be so very deep-seated.
After mucking around in it for a while, I found that my trauma is my mother’s trauma, and my mother’s trauma is my grandmother’s trauma. The hardest part was realizing that my trauma is now also all of my daughters’ trauma.
The only thing to do about it is to do the thing that all of my traumatized mothers didn’t or couldn’t do.
What thing is that?
Know my worth and embody it.
And you know what? I’m doing the thing. I’m shedding that old skin that’s far too small for who and what I am.
Unapologetically.
My way of doing radical modern magick for the last few years has been a very silent way.
A non-doing way.
It’s been more about learning how to not do things.
How to have self-control and restraint.
Inner alchemy is difficult to describe as my experience of it is via senses that cross with the body, the energy moving through the body, and unknown other spaces or dimensions while suspending all thought as best as possible. I carefully take note of what pops into my awareness. I often sense a lot of alchemical processes in my energy field: rushing, bubbling, burning, floating, cooling, and such. It’s just like a whole chemistry lab, but all of it in my one body, layered.
Much of my continued learning as a mystic has been short bursts of series of events showing me the way: a post here, a movie there, an experience here, a field report there, a thought out of the blue here, and a harmony of A-HAs everywhere.
Two years ago, it was about the arrival of rainbow seraphim and the subsequent great divide.
Last year, it was about being in the eye of the storm so that one could pass through the eye of the needle.
This year is about only what I can describe as communion with the first source, or God if you will. It is about remembering who we really are and where we have come from, why we are here, and letting go of the mental and emotional constructs that keep us limited.
The eye of the needle part was about testing our egos and seeing if we were going to let our idea of what is supposed to be for us lead the way or surrender to the flow of higher consciousness to lead the way. It’s a good thing I already studied the Tao and Taoist practices a long while ago. I have found the information and practice to be extremely beneficial throughout my life, especially now.
Just this past weekend, my heart was pierced. A flow has started to grow. It is an immaculate sensation when I get it going—divinity. Of course, the expansion bubble has since closed into a contraction since my last A-HA moment. It is time to put that pearl of knowing to the test in the flesh and do the things I saw I should be doing on a daily basis, whether I feel that divine awareness or not.
About 30 years ago, I had a dream I will never forget. The sensation of it was so expansive, yet terrifying. It was the most surreal yet symbolic dream I have ever experienced.
The dream begins with the visual of white and pastel-tinted clouds and equally white with pastel-tinted mountains. The sensations I felt were that of pure bliss and tranquility. I was very excited to have found myself atop that mountain.
You see, ever since childhood, I have been spending my time in my dreams searching for the higher and lighter places and planes I knew to exist, yet always becoming further and further away from these magical places that I can’t quite remember.
So, yes, I was extremely excited and happy to be experiencing the frequency I was, high atop that mountain in the clouds.
After basking in sensations of expansiveness, joy, and what I feel nirvana might feel like, there was an unspoken communication with Higher. (My high self? My spirit guides? God? Goddess?) Then suddenly, I was wooshed down and away. Very far away.
I became aware of my feet standing on solid ground and looked around.
On a plateau or mesa, I looked down upon a treacherous, craggy expanse with geological obstacles, dangers, and darkness. The earth was carved up, not unlike a labyrinth, and there was no telling how deep and dark the actual walking ground was. It went on and on like this, gradually getting higher and higher. Far off in the distance, way up in the sky, was the mystical white mountain top, surrounded by clouds.
Perplexed, I remember wondering what this vision was about. There was more unspoken communication with Higher, and then it dawned on me. I would have to physically walk through that place to get back on top of that mountain.
I woke up in a panic and was upset about this dream for years. I wanted life to be easy-breezy and like what I had experienced at the top of that mountain of spiritual elevation.
I’m still not all that happy about having to walk through the valley of the shadow of death. There have been many times when I feared evil. I’m not a picture-perfect child of the sun. But at least now I am in calm acceptance of my experience here on earth, in this body, doing this work.
One morning as I was waking up I was dreaming of a word, white on black, and I had the emphatic sense that it was imperative I remember this word upon waking. It turned out to be Shekinah. I had never heard of this word before, so off researching, I went. I then went on to get serious again about clearing up my energy field, expanding my psychic abilities, and connecting with the divine.
One night, about six months later, as I was meditating, I was overcome by energetic unknotting moving out of stored places within me out into my emotional body. I ended up rolling around on the floor contorted in emotional pain, whining and crying, attempting to allow it to rise up and out as I had been instructed by the mentor I had been working with every Saturday for some months, also a Wingmaker. All I remember was that it was excruciating.
At some point, as I was laying on the floor catching my breath, wondering how long this was going to go on, the energetic sensations shifted. All attention was on my back. The backside of the heart chakra. There were sensations pressing on my body there from the inside out. The pain had been concentrated there, but it was more like pressure than pain at this point. As I was wondering what the fuck was going on the intensity increased again, and again I was rolling around on the floor, covering my face, not really in pain anymore, but in extreme discomfort as energy shifted and moved, my wings sprouted.
Two huge beautiful brand new wings. I was in disbelief. Like seriously… Whaaaaat, people get wings?! The pain was gone. I sat up and resumed meditative space. I was at peace.
Almost immediately I began to feel a warm energetic sensation expand from my root chakra. It was intense, energetic, and erotic. Then it began to rise. As it rose, every single cell of my body that was being activated by it was sent into orgasmic pleasure. Not concentrated around the sacral chakra, but EVERY SINGLE CELL throughout my body. It was a steady rise up, with just a little slow down at the heart chakra.
When it got to my throat chakra there were issues. I could feel it get stuck in a nasty block. It was trying to get through the knot there and it took a while. Finally, it poked a tiny hole through and was able to send a trickling stream through. Nowhere near the intensity of the first 4 chakras. It quickly went all the way up to my crown chakra to touch it, then sank back down into my heart where it concentrated again.
The sensation was so very erotic and intense and blissful. Then it exploded.
All of a sudden I was surrounded by whirling vortexual energies. My heart was in a perpetual orgasmic state. My skin tingled in bliss. Every cell inside of me was singing. I could sense the energy whirling and whirling in a 3-foot radius all around my heart center.
This state lasted for one and a half months. Serious perpetual full-body/aura/heart orgasm. Every waking moment. I learned how to tone it down or turn it up by way of energy field holding and focus of attention. I was still holding a lower consciousness perception and had 3 children to tend to, and errands to run, so after so much tuning it down to manage mundane life it eventually became too hard to tune it back up again.
After sharing my story, another Wingmakers contact immediately gifted me the cost of a Flower of Life workshop to learn Drunvalo Melchizedek’s Merkabah meditation via facilitators. The price was $333, and that is a different story.
When I was experiencing the first wave of my spiritual awakening in 1993, I had a vivid dream that disturbed me greatly.
I was in a dark labyrinthine place I could not comprehend as it was so dark, and I was scared into a panic. Then the dream spiraled out into a black wrought-iron cage with labyrinthine passageways. I was a bird inside of it, hopping around, trying to find my way to what I could see was an open cage door through the spaces between the bars. I couldn’t find the way to the open door. Once again, the dream spiraled out, and I was outside the cage in my usual human form, looking at the open cage door, the bird, and the strange labyrinth cage.
My uncle was my spiritual mentor, so I asked him what the dream might mean. He told me I was the bird, and the cage was my mind. I couldn’t understand what he meant, as I thought my mind was well-ordered and practical. How could I have such a negative seeming labyrinth to navigate?
It was quite a while before I could see the labyrinth for what it was. It was a while before I realized I carried a carrier wave of epigenetically and astrologically transferred programming. It was a long while before I realized I had been in total denial of being affected by early childhood trauma. And it was also quite a while before I realized that the shadows I saw and reacted to were projections of myself.
Eventually, I realized our experiences in the twisted labyrinth are based on our consciousness – or lack of consciousness. If your light is dim, the shadowplay appears large, close, and exaggerated. If your light is bright, the shadowplay appears small, far away, and nothing to be concerned about.
Practicing presence is necessary to become conscious of the unconscious. The more presence one cultivates, the more conscious one becomes.
Sometimes you have to just jump right in. Even if you don’t know where to start. Trusting that you will fall into alignment with your highest calling. Knowing deep down that you are meant for it, and it is meant for you. The path will be created as you begin to walk it.
